The New York Mafia has recently stepped up security throughout old Italian neighborhoods in the wake of their stated intend to fight the terrorist organization here in the United States. Recently, patrols of Italian men have taken to the streets across the greater New York area in an effort to not only keep their neighborhoods safe and secure from ISIS terrorists, but to also improve the image that the mafia has.
Local old Italian man, Michael DeVanzo went on the record with Prntly reporters
“Look, who the hell are these ISIS guys eh? They think they can come into our Italian neighborhood well I swear on my mother’s eyes, God bless her soul, that they’ve got another thing coming.”
However, not everyone is happy with the effort to combat ISIS. Kelly Godson, a spokeswoman for Mayor Bill de Blasio issued the following statement on behalf of the Mayor.
“We condemn this sort of thing, these individuals are doing nothing but creating fear throughout the city and is not conducive to an inclusive and safe environment.”
Mayor de Blasio was later seen walking the grounds of Gracie Mansion (the mayoral residence) in a sweater and sweatpants while holding a crowbar, though city officials have told us that this was for unrelated reasons.
Armed with stickball bats and wearing tracksuits, groups of middle-aged Italian-Americans could be seen patrolling up and down the blocks of Brooklyn’s Park Slope neighborhood. The men also took a particular interest in beefing up defenses at the local bakery, Abruzzino’s Italian Bakery, a neighborhood establishment since 1946 and favorite location for most of the men to grab a Cannoli after a game of stickball on the block back when they were growing up, sources told Prntly.
One of the men, 38 year old union electrician Anthony Bottari invited us into his home to explain how the effort has been going so far.
“I wake up every morning at about 5 am, put on my hard hat and hit the block for the patrol with the rest of the guys. We ain’t seen no ISIS yet but with the job [Mayor Bill] de Blasio has been doin’ I wouldn’t be surprised if some of ‘em started comin’ into the neighborhood real soon. Everyone around here is real tense, we don’t think the NYPD can do the job, that’s why we’re ready to give those ISIS guys some nice new concrete shoes and a free swimming lesson in the East River, if you know what I mean.”
Children walk to the local Catholic school under close supervision of muscle shirt wearing Italian men with gold chains, ready to spring into action at the slightest sense of terrorist threats. This situation can be seen reproduced across New York City, Long Island, and New Jersey.
“I feel much safer knowing these guys are out here keeping the streets clear, no? I make a wonderful lasagna and give a few plates to the guys as a snack every wednesday when they’re out there. My three boys, Vincent, Giovanni, and Lorenzo all look up to these guys.” Said 43 year old Nikolina Antolita of East Rockaway, New York.